Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny Review

★★☆☆☆ Harrison Ford’s final crack of the whip is an expensive, soulless bore that pales in comparison to past adventures.

Thirty-four years after a perfect finale saw him literally ride off into the sunset, Indiana Jones is back, the latest victim of Disney’s crusade to extract every ounce of value from its kingdom of tired franchises.

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny is another overreaching adventure with a bloated runtime, loaded with unconvincing CGI and uninspired action sequences. The magic of the classic original movies has long faded. What we have instead, much like the Lance of Longinus seen at the start of the film, is a facsimile, a pale imitation of an original treasure.

Ford can hardly be blamed. He’s by far the best thing here, clearly enjoying one last adventure (and paycheck) as the iconic character. Mads Mikkelsen (Casino Royale, Rogue One) brings his usual understated villainy, despite his character sorely lacking depth.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge (Fleabag) is perfectly fine, despite the raving screams of online weirdos comparing her participation as Indy’s sidekick to the literal apocalypse.

Boyd Holbrook (Logan) and Shaunette Renée Wilson (Black Panther) are painfully wasted. John Rhys-Davies and Karen Allen are there purely for nostalgia and little else.

Unadjusted for inflation, The Dial of Destiny cost almost three times what it took to produce the first three movies. Combined. Surely this is the ultimate proof that all the money in the world can’t buy genuine thrills.

This is a film, in the same way a Big Mac is technically a hamburger. It’s a pure, soulless cash grab, a revolting exercise in mass consumerism masquerading as a nostalgic cuddle. A movie made by a formula on a spreadsheet. But this time, the numbers don’t add up. People are sick of this crap, sick of seeing their heroes exhumed and turned into content zombies, and they’re finally letting their wallets do the talking.

It won’t stop Micky Mouse’s evil empire, but it might slow them down for a bit.

Originally published at michaelkenny.uk