What I Watched in December
I watch a lot of films. Here are some quick thoughts on every film I watched or rewatched in December.
Run Sweetheart Run ★★
Worth checking out for some unique sequences as well as a devilish scene-chewing Pilou Asbæk performance, but the potency of its social messaging is diluted by unrealistic exchanges and plot holes the size of Venus.
Sorry, Jupiter.
Warriors of Future ★★
Hong Kong’s answer to Michael Bay has flashes of quality but, for the most part, is just another braindead, cliche-ridden slog with nauseating editing and video game-grade special effects.
Enemy ★★★★
Some of its more abstract ideas went way over my head, but Enemy is a tense and taut thriller with an eye-catching colour palette and a terrific duel performance from its reliably brilliant lead.
The Batman ★★★★
It may lack the cathartic thrills of Nolan’s efforts, but The Batman is worthy in its own right. An exercise in flawless execution; a fearless leap of artistic expression fit for any caped crusader.
The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special ★★★
A blend of warm, mushy sentimentality and cosmic insanity that could only come from James Gunn. The lack of classic Christmas hits was disappointing given Guardian’s jukebox history, but an increased focus on Pom Klementieff, Kevin Bacon and a dancing Nebula just about made up for it.
Westworld (1973) ★★★★
Michael Crichton really is in a league of his own when it comes to doomed tourist attractions, isn’t he? Love the way Westworld lulls you into a false sense of security before Yul Brynner unleashes hell with a performance that must’ve subconsciously influenced James Cameron.
Troll ★★★
Unquestionably fun. But c’mon, let’s not pretend this isn’t a near shot-for-shot remake of Roland Emmerich’s Godzilla, with a sprinkle of Michael Bay’s Armageddon. It’ll get a better rating though, because everything sounds better in Norwegian.
My Neighbour Totoro ★★★★★
A therapy we could all do with right now. The animation is some of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen and perfectly pairs with its simple yet poignant story. Absolutely delightful stuff.
Visions of Ecstasy ★★★
Beautiful, more for its rich colourisation and ambient sounds than any of its considerable writhing. The story of its banning and the lengthy legal battle is more interesting than anything depicted on screen.
Die Hard ★★★★★
“I’m not the one who just got buttfucked on national TV, Dwayne!”
This film has no equal.
The Muppet Christmas Carol ★★★★
An old childhood favourite that, like so many great kids movies, still delivers years later. The songs are infectiously catchy, and The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come is still completely terrifying. The biggest triumph however is Michael Caine who miraculously plays his Scrooge dead straight despite all the brilliant Muppetity mayhem.
Peter Pan (1953) ★★★
Charming escapism that deftly balances family-friendly magic and slapstick shenanigans. Some aspects haven’t aged that well, but it remains a technical feat that deserves its status as a revered classic.
Hideous ★★★★
An impressive short. Combined with key cuts from Sims’ impressive solo debut, the hard leaning into eighties surrealist and splatter horror influences work effectively as powerful visual metaphors for a painful backstory.
Emancipation ★★★
Emancipation ultimately feels confused about what kind of film it wants to be. It excels as a taut and intense chase thriller but loses focus in the final third, scoping out and morphing into a gritty war epic filled with all the clichés you’d expect to see.
Aftersun ★★★★★
The emotional impact of Aftersun is comparable to being hit by a bus. It’s raw and intentionally ambiguous, allowing viewers to interpret based on their own feelings and life experiences. It tore me open in a way few films have, leaving me desperately vulnerable in its moments of beauty and despair. This is one trip I won’t be forgetting anytime soon.
Outer Space (1999) ★★
The arthouse film equivalent of a Jackson Pollock painting. Not for me.
Barbarian ★★★★
The film’s off-kilter presentation might not be for everyone, but it does allow for the mid-point inclusion of Justin Long — in an inspired piece of casting — appearing as a shamed sitcom star who might be the biggest monster of the picture. Quite an extraordinary feat if you ask me.
Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio ★★★★
Propelled by beautifully crafted ornate puppets, Pinocchio is a visual treat in the same vein as stop-motion classics, The Nightmare Before Christmas and Coraline. Films that, much like this, might not be immediately accessible to younger audiences, but you can be assured, will eventually awaken a deep and passionate love of film.
Terrifier (2016) ★★★
Nowhere near as bad as its reputation suggests. This is, by most metrics, a pretty amateurish production, but Damien Leone’s disgusting practical effects are outstanding throughout. It’s nasty and mean, but that’s kinda the point, right?
Plan 9 From Outer Space (no rating)
Is it terrible? Absolutely. But it’s also an alien invasion movie with zombie vampires.
Starfuckers ★★★★
You can almost taste the bitter tears from broken Hollywood promises in this work of terrific precision. Antonio Marziale is surely destined for special things.
High Life (2018) ★★★★
It’s not quite the ravenously sexy trip it was originally touted as, and a lot of its themes are still in the process of being unpacked, but as a piece to stimulate thought and stir the cauldron of emotions, it is an unmitigated triumph. Robert Pattinson, Juliette Binoche and their band of damned drifters might not be in control, but Clare Denis most certainly is.
Decision to Leave ★★★★★
If for some reason, the story lacks the bite you’ve come to expect from Chan-wook, the presentation should more than atone. As to be expected from one of Korea’s finest, this is a masterwork in kinetic filmmaking, an enthralling immersion into a wildly unpredictable thriller that should keep you deeply engrossed from the first shot to its hauntingly beautiful finale.
Dogtooth (2009) ★★★★
Dogtooth is a challenging and, at times, punishing watch. It’s a film that tests its audience with an almost documentary-like approach, unflinching in its raw depiction and potentially frustrating with its lack of answers. But those fascinated by human behaviour, rendered by a unique filmmaker, should find plenty to sink their teeth into.
Top Gun (1986) ★★
I don’t see the appeal. The romance is deeply unsexy, the action is predictable, and the script is infested with every academy cliche in the book. Kenny Loggins’ Danger Zone is a fucking banger of a track, though.
Batman Begins (2005) ★★★★★
The best Batman film ever made.
Nolan and Goyer effortlessly cut to the core of what motivates the man and imbue the story with loads of affecting catharsis. Christian Bale nails the assignment, leading one of the greatest casts ever assembled for a superhero movie. The production design blends comic book visuals with reality in a way the sequels never managed to replicate. The score is outstanding.
This really shouldn’t be a hot take. There’s a reason everyone was so stoked for The Dark Knight. This was it.
Life of Brian (1979) ★★★★
If the Spear of Destiny doesn’t split your sides these jokes will. Legendary stuff.
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006) ★★★★
I still have fond memories of watching this at the cinema. I nearly coughed up my spleen during the naked hotel fight scene.
Top Gun: Maverick ★★★★
This isn’t just better than its predecessor; it blows it clear out of the sky. Markedly better in every measure, Maverick drops the cringe, tones down the cheesy chest puffing, and resists the urge to bludgeon us over the head with its admittedly catchy song choices every two minutes.
Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery ★★★
This isn’t as impressive or as smart as you think it is. Like Bron’s high-tech island, there’s a noticeable emptiness to the wonder. The structure is lifted wholesale from the first, right down to the narrative-shifting twist, while the characters — as fun as they are — are far less vital, struggling to feel justified in sharp contrast to Harlan Thrombey’s dysfunctional dependants.
The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and the Horse ★★★
Beautifully animated, but that’s about it. Its many quotes will probably come across as deeply profound for some, but for me it all sounded like something ChatGPT might spit out for Tony Robbins’ next shit self-help book.
Lamb (2021) ★★★
Lamb has intriguing ideas, rich atmospherics and committed performances but ultimately fails to come together in a way that rewards. The presentation of the titular lamb is goofy and severely undermines a lot of what the film is trying to do visually, while the ending feels rushed and lacking in a tangible takeaway message.
Titane (2021) ★★★★★
Titane is cool, sleek, dangerous and sexy. It’s deranged and warped and, at times, completely fucking insane. It’s also deeply touching and funny, finding warmth in the most unlikely pairing imaginable. As an experience, it’s hard to put into words — all I can really say is I absolutely loved it.
The Brood (1979) ★★★★
A palpable feeling of bitterness runs through the picture, represented in Art Hindle’s Frank and Samantha Eggar’s Nola — the seldom-seen-together couple whose fractured relationship brings the director’s raw personal emotions to the surface. Forget monstrous trauma babies; this is the real horror on show.
Censor (2021) ★★★
Censor attempts in vain to balance its ideas. Its opening moments pose some interesting questions about the morality of releasing dangerous content into a troubled society in desperate need of an outlet. But this sadly fizzles, replaced by a family mystery that becomes increasingly tedious as it slowly morphs into something we’ve seen done before but better.
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